It looked like a crypt and smelled like a crypt,
so a crypt it must be.
Kramer found himself in a wide stone-built corridor holding a flaming torch. The flames created shadows which danced along the wet walls as Kramer walked forward to what looked like a central chamber. The walls were covered in strange patterns and symbols. Runes maybe, but whenever he held the torch close enough to read them, they changed shape, or colour, or both. African or maybe Egyptian. Kramer touched them and they moved again. Now they were Indian, native American, Geronimo's graffiti, Crazy Horse with a paint Spray. Lithium Joe, welcome to Joe Town. Topper Kersal Doomsday Boys. Apes ma, Apes ma. It's the blimp Frank, it's the blimp.
Kramer made no sense of it and moved on.
He was now in the central chamber and was not alone. The flames picked out a shape, a lizard-like, semi-human creature several yards away and Kramer froze.
But the creature didn't move, he just stood like a petrified guard watching over his dead master. He moved closer. Behind it and just to the left was the sarcophagus, carved out of soap stone and oozing out a thick green smoke from beneath its ill-fitted lid. The smell was foul and Kramer craved for fresh air. He moved towards the nearest passage and looked back. The figure had gone.
The walls were now alive again with the strange messages and patterns each one flashing on and off. Most indecipherable. Some he could just make out for a second or two. Sixties-style day-glo lettering, neon, lit, said "keep of the grass", "moth-proof everything within your reach", "eat a whole can of tuna for lunch", "doctor dawn, doctor dawn".
He ran through words that now covered the floor. Touched them as his hands pushed against the walls. The torch grew brighter them dimmer in quick succession. A middle-ages strobe light.
Letters became snakes that leapt up and struck at him, with fangs that dripped blood. Kramer ducked and dived and ran on. The passages branched left and right and then split again and again. The place had become a giant labyrinth. He was Perseus with no length of string to get him out. He was lost, totally lost. Two left turns and then one right.
Dead end.
Backtrack. Right then right again.
Straight on to the traffic lights.
Turn left at the Red Lion. Then on till dawn, and mind your p's and q's.
Another dead end.
Run.
Run faster.
Suddenly he was in the open air and labyrinth had turned into a regular privet hedge maze.
The lizard-man had vanished but had been replaced by the seven samurai chased by the seven dwarfs, leaping the hedges on horse-back and in one bound.
Then stone again.
Now a bunker.
Go to the shelter, my baby, my baby, go to the shelter, go to the shelter. Kramer tried to hide as Joe Louis skipped by and the Three Stooges, shackled together like some chain-gang, southern-state style applauded and threw money.
The lizard-man again, coming directly towards him.
He's back and he's angry.
This times it's war.
In space, no-one can hear you crap your pants.
Kramer pressed up against the cold stone, dropping the torch.
The stones dissolved and Kramer fell backwards.
